2.26.06 (Mommy)

Lijah's birthday is today! One whole month old.... So that's 1 month down and 17 years, eleven months to go before I have to let him go. Funny, it doesn't seem like enough time with the little guy. He's already changing so much, which is evident when I look at all the pictures of him from day one. It's really bittersweet; I want him to be a little bigger so we can start really getting to know him, but I want him to stay this little forever. (Just with less appetite...) I don't think I will ever get enough of my son. even if he is a bit exhausting at moments.

2.25.06 (Daddy)

Updating from Portland. Away from my new family. I've been able to sleep a little better the last couple days. It isn't all it was cut out to be. I think I'm more tired now than I was. At least I feel like it. I think my brain and body are feeling like this sleep thing is good and it wants more. So, I feel like I'm dragging more than I was when the adrenaline was flowing freely. I have 2 days left in Portland before I fly home. I missed my flight out here because the Vegas airport was horribly busy. Horrible. Shouldn't be a problem getting myself back home though.

I miss Becca and Elijah. I thought I might be happy to be away for a few days getting to work, but I wish I was with both of them. It can be hard at home, getting used to this new daddy thing, but I feel like I've escaped from some place I shouldn't have and didn't really want to escape from. I hear Becca frustrated with feeding 'Lijah and only want to be there to shove a bottle in his mouth. I'm almost okay with being tired if it means I can help her out. It is impossible for me to do anything from here. We've been on the phone regularly, which feels good. It keeps me focused on what is going on there and I don't feel completely out-of-the-loop. I have this strange feeling that 'Lijah is going to change a whole lot between now and when I get home. I know 6 days isn't a lot of time to change, but as much as he's eating, I have to wonder.

Everyone I've seen this trip has been handed a birth announcement. All have loved it. I've really enjoyed sharing it too. Becca made me have it printed, and I'm kinda glad she did (I did spend a good bit of time on it). It serves as a good marketing piece (wink). More importantly, however, it serves as a memory piece that Elijah will get to see when he gets older. He will then know his parents did something special for his arrival - and Mom made sure of it. Dad was feeling cheap.
If you haven't received an announcement, please email us with your address.

2.25.06 (Mommy)

I am pulling my hair out. Elijah was eating for an hour and a half and was still hungry! I finally relented and gave him a bottle of pumped milk and he was still hungry. What is going on? I feel like I'm going to collapse from the effort of filling his stomach. Why can't this just be easy? This had better pass or I don't think I will make it....

2.24.06 (Mommy)

I'm learning that ya can't win when it comes to talking to other moms. It's funny how some folks tell me I'm dressing my kid too heavy and that I'm wrapping him too much, but others tell me I'm not dressing him heavy enough. "Why is he dressed so heavy? He's hot!" "Where's his blanket? He's cold!" Sheesh. I just privately roll my eyes to myself and know that how I'm dressing him won't kill him either way. Am I too laid back?
Lijah is showing patterns with his feeding and sleeping. There's his early morning pig-out when he eats like a starved maniac for about 3 hours off and on, then after about 10 or 11 he settles down for a 3 hour nap. He will then wake up for an hour to eat and be alert and then will go down for another 3 hours or so. After that, there's his on again off again fussy period in the evening that Andy and I find the most challenging. Then he will get 4 hours at night, wake up to eat and go back down another 3 or 4 until morning when it starts all over. Mid-day is the best time to get things done. However, that seems to be the time when I try to get ahead in pumping, so not much gets done except for that. It is so nice to pump and be able to give him a bottle. Feeding goes a lot faster and I don't have to be the one to do it every time. Andy can feed him and get more time with the little boy. Also, pumping seems to be more comfortable than breastfeeding, which has gotten painful. I'm still trying, but it is hard feeding him this way when it seems to take forever and then hurts on top of it all. While giving him a bottle is a relief, it makes me feel so guilty. I should be able to do this breastfeeding thing with no problems, and it hurts that I can't. I know I'm doing it right because I have had a number of people watch me do it and gotten the green light. I don't know what the problem is.
Anyhoo. Elijah and I went out today. We stopped by my school and had everybody ooh and aah over him. It's always really gratifying to take him to school since everyone makes such a big deal about him. It feels really great. He had his eyes open the whole time so everyone could really see how cute he truly is. We then ran a few errands and went shopping. I love taking him with me when I shop. He seems to love being in the cart and feeling the movement. He also loves staring at all the lights. It's so fun to see him entranced with everything going on around him. He's a fun little boy.
We miss Andy. Having our family split is hard.

2.22.06 (Daddy)

Portland, here I come. Sleep, will you be there? I leave Becca and 'Lijah for the first extended period of time tomorrow morning. I'll be in Portland until the morning of 2/28. There will be many phone calls, many checkups and a few middle-of-the-night wake-ups wondering if Elijah will need to be fed soon.

Chatting with existing dads is a great help. Each time I feel lost, talking with a dad is a relief. I met a bit with a networking friend yesterday and we talked about some of Elijah's behaviors. I keep learning that the crying is okay, even healthy. My NOT holding him every single second of the day is okay, even healthy. His being cranky at certain times of the day is not a reflection of me as a Dad or Becca as a Mom. I keep hearing these things and keep losing them. Each time I hear them repeated, I'm closer to finally knowing it is okay. I'm a perfectionist after all and I can't be a perfect dad. No one can. My first parenting book will be published some time in 2036. . .

2.20.06 (Mommy)

I love the way Lijah stares at Andy's face when Andy holds him and talks to him. He is enraptured with his dad!!!

2.20.06 (Mommy)

Friday was our night out together. After having so much time together before Lijah was born, it is strange having to go to such lengths to spend a few precious hours with each other. We made sure we enjoyed ourselves. It's an interesting adjustment for us both. Thank goodness we have friends who will babysit.
In other news, we have a stroller. My parents helped us out with getting us our dream stroller: the Peg Perego Aria. Oh yes, it is sooo sweet! We love it. Elijah loves it too.(At least I hope he loves it) It has such a smooth ride and it is extremely light and easy to fold up. We feel so very stylish with it. I'm happy because I can take the boy out (since I can't lift the carseat/carrier with him in it yet), and Andy is happy because he has his name brand. And as usual, the little boy is clueless about his new "toy". It's more for mom and dad. We have fun eyeing the other parents and their strollers, knowing that ours is so much better! We are stroller snobs...
We are both still working on tackling Elijah's needs together as a team. I know Andy feels out of his element and I really feel for him. He's doing better than he had been, but I don't think he sees it. It's a little different for me as well since usually Andy always knows what to do, but now that has changed. I don't think I always know what to do with the baby, but I'm more used to being clueless so I think that adjustment is easier for me.
Today marks a month before I have to go back to work. Sigh. I'm going to miss my boy and my guy.

2.20.06 (Daddy)

It has been a couple days since I updated (or either of us updated). Becca and I got 3 hours to ourselves on Friday (2.17). We went out and had a nice dinner while 'Lijah was being babysat. Yep, our sweet friends Will and Natelvi watched our little guy for 3 hours so Becca and I could get some time together. Dang it was nice. It reminded us how much we like being together and that the extra stressors are just that - extra stressors. Those stressors are still hanging around a good bit of the day, but if we remember how Friday felt, we know all is still okay.
I'm still having the occasional "what the hell am I doing" freak out, downer moments. Rebecca has no idea how to help me when I'm feeling completely clueless. She asks me what she should do and all I can say is "if I knew, I wouldn't be feeling so crazy". Everyone keeps telling me that it gets easier and that Elijah will smooth out a bit, but it is hard to see when you are in the middle of it. 'Lijah really is a good baby, and I know he is. I'm coming up against my own weaknesses. My time with Becca is thrown off, my always knowing how to handle a situation is completely flogged and my ability to see through the fog is buried under a dirty diaper somewhere. It is 12:00 and I still haven't eaten anything today. I think I'd be better if there were some sort of routine, but Elijah is just too little to be thrown into something too rigid. Yes, he does get put to bed around the same time every night, but forcing him to wait to eat or take a nap or just stop crying for 15 minutes so Becca and I can take care of ourselves just isn't going to happen. Can you say nanny? I wish.

We moved Elijah into his crib last night. Yep, he slept in his own room all night. No co-sleeper in Mommy and Daddy's room. Why? Well, Daddy hasn't been getting any sleep. I've been averaging 3 or 4 hours a night - maybe. None of it has been deep sleep. All just dozing. We moved Elijah because he's began to gurgle and make random noises, regardless of being awake or asleep. Mommy can tune it out - but Daddy is just too light a sleeper. So, Elijah was moved. I was able to sleep a little more, but the little boy was wide awake from 2:30 to about 3:15 yelling, cooing, chirping, yelping, screaming, hollering, bahing (is that a word?). So, between that and the every 2 or 3 hour feedings, I still didn't get much shut-eye. One thing that I must say has helped - Odo. My big kitty has been sleeping next to me most of the night the last few nights. I think he senses my overwhelm.

What I'm most thankful for right now:
a. eating | b. sleeping | c. time outside | d. Grey Goose | e. Odo | f. frozen food | g. swings | h. our iPods | i. our Barista | j. clean clothes | k. hugs |
- Becca doesn't even fit into an alphabetical list.

2.17.06 (Daddy)

There is one consistent thing in 'Lijah's life. His diaper is perennially full.

I had a thought last night. . . I wonder if alien babies are as simple as human babies are. Elijah's current brain development is a testament to how far we humans still have to go.

2.16.06 (Mommy)

It amazes me how I can look at this child and feel such utter love for him. I'm a smitten kitten. He looks at me with those big blue eyes and I melt. I'm a puddle. Is it me or is he abnormally good looking? He is just the cutest thing ever made! I'm enjoying it now so that I have memories to look back on when he is an obnoxious teenager who hates his mom. Right now it's so sweet- he's cute and cuddly and loves to be held by his mom.
I took the baby in the shower with me today. It was a really convenient way of getting him hosed down and clean. He couldn't decide whether he loved it or hated it. Either way it was really cute having his little soggy body curled up against me. I have so much fun with him.
My son is so perfect. What a joy. I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful child.

2.16.06 (Daddy)

It is okay to shake your baby and okay to bap your baby.

Okay, an explanation.
Shaking the baby - Read in The Happiest Baby on the Block. When he starts to fuss while in his swing or some other stationary device, shake it vigorously. He will quiet down. It works!!

Bap the baby - I've been doing this since he was born, although I didn't know it was something good. When fussy or crying, slap your baby hard on the back repeatedly as if you are burping them. Their crying will stop. How hard really? All I can compare it to is slapping your buddy on the back when you give them a friendly hug. It has worked since 'Lijah was born.

2.14.06 (Daddy)

Valentines day. Wow. Yesterday was actually Becca's and my 2-year anniversary. Doesn't seem like that long ago. Boy do things change. Now we have a cute little boy swinging in his swing, occasionally chirping throughout the house, filling garbage bags and moving the clock forward. Still not quite sure what to make of the whole thing, but I think I'm still sympathizing with the cats. They have no clue what to make of 'Lijah. I placed Odo's face right next to Elijah's face this morning, holding Odo's paws the whole time. The poor cat looked like he was having his temperature taken. I think that defines my thoughts day-to-day right now. I feel like I'm having my temperature taken in an unspeakable place. Am I okay? Am I feeling warm, light headed, queasy? Yes. . . sometimes. Elijah made it all better for me today though. He took Mommy to Lee's Discount Liquor and bought Daddy a fifth of Tanqueray 10. Yummy. My boy already knows how to make Daddy happy! (wink) I also got a really cute Daddy card from 'Lijah and a really sweet V-day card from my sweetie.
Am I enjoying feeding Elijah? Yes. Why? No idea. I believe it feeds my need to help. There is also a bit of selfish gratification. Bottle feeding 'Lijah means I get more time with Becca. She doesn't always have something attached to her when a bottle is involved. I've got to love that. I have no problem with her feeding him, but the time that is taken away is just hard to get used to. The bottle means I can feed him, Becca can relax and then the little man will doze off for an hour or so. That makes Daddy a happy man. We actually spent time in the kitchen together tonight - cooking!! Becca hasn't been in the kitchen with me since before he was born. Yes, that is only 3 weeks, but time and intimacy (any kind) is really precious to me. I like her - just a little.

Babies don't eat blankets!!
Our boy tries to anyway. I will NEVER understand the rooting reflex. Anything you put in front of his face when he's hungry will make him want to eat it. If I lay his face against my chest, he wants to eat my shirt. If I kiss his cheek, he wants to eat my face. This happens even after he's consumed a 4oz bottle of milk!! No wonder it takes so long to feed this kid the natural way. I am thanking the inventor of the Avent bottle. He loves it and will still eat from Mommy. That is gold.

2.14.06 (Mommy)

I love the swing. Keeps him calm. Calm babies are good. I worry that I am being neglectful, but he loves that swing and it makes him happy. I have read that the motion combined with swaddling makes babies feel like they are back inside the womb, so that's how I choose the justify it.
I also ordered a new breastpump since pumping seems to be working for us. It's a lot easier to pump a bottle and have Andy feed the baby on occasion than to be the 24 hour buffet. Not that I don't love the time with my son, but let's just say there's soreness involved sometimes and that makes breastfeeding less than ideal, at least for mom.

2.12.06 (Mommy)

Elijah got his first bottles today. I have been expressing milk for him for when I go back to work. He took to it great. There is a big difference between the bottle and the "real thing" mostly because the bottle has a faster flow than I do. I think Andy liked feeding him. Elijah was just staring up at him with the bottle in his mouth- he probably couldn't believe that Daddy could feed him too! It made me weepy to see Andy holding and feeding his son. Chalk it up to hormones. It's good to know that the whole bottle feeding thing will go okay and Elijah will get fed while I'm gone at work...
Like we mentioned below, we got Elijah a swing to help keep him calm. He loves it- unless he's hungry, but who could blame him? He sleeps a lot longer when he is in it and is a lot calmer. I have also been reading the book "The Happiest Baby on the Block". It talks about ways to get babies to calm down when they are crying. It's a combination of swaddling, swinging, position, sucking, and making white noise. I tried it last night and it worked really well. I was able to get him calmed down so that he could be in his swing. He likes the swing. Yay.

2.11.06 (Mommy & Daddy)

It is amazing how much we both appreciate our time together. Those of you who decide to have kids, please make an effort to make time for one another. Yes, your little one will consume eons of your time, but without both of you, things just aren't as focused. We enjoyed spending time together before Elijah was born and now we realize how important and dear that time really was. This evening, with Elijah occupied in his swing, we were again on the couch together - legs stretched out, hands intertwined, resting on one another's shoulders. We don't think we were really that interested in what was on the television. It was precious down time. This may all sound cliche' and sappy, but it is what it is. Love it.

2.10.06 (Daddy)

Don't drink caffeine in the evening when you are breastfeeding. Men, this goes for you too!! (wink)
Yesterday evening, before bed, started out pretty bad. Elijah did NOT want to go down. He did not want to quiet down, he did not want to eat, he did not want anything. He probably wanted more Coke (and not the illegal kind). It frustrated Becca something awful. I tried to help, to comfort Elijah, but she was so upset with herself that she went downstairs with him. She told me to go to sleep. Um, ya right, a screaming 2 week old boy in the house and I'm going to be able to sleep. I believe the phrase "I'm a horrible mother" came out of her mouth. She felt so bad. I stayed upstairs with my laptop and did some surfing. About an hour later (12:30am or so) she came back upstairs with him. He had quieted down and fallen asleep. The rest of the night Elijah did okay. He got up again around 3am and then at 7am. It was hard to get him back down this morning after he was up, so we were basically awake for good. He has eaten like Al Roker again today. Hour long feedings followed by 20 minute feedings, separated only by about 20 minutes. Becca and I did get to go out and have lunch by ourselves this afternoon. Barbara is here till mid-day tomorrow. She took care of him. 1.5 hours of Macaroni Grill, 30 minutes of Trader Joes. Elijah was crying when we returned home, ready for the buffet again.
It was the recommendation of a therapist that we get an infant swing (because she has never seen a swing NOT work to soothe an infant). So, yesterday evening we went to Babies 'R Us and picked up the Graco Baby Einstein Discovery Swing. I assembled it last night - but didn't have batteries. Got those today just before lunch. 'Lijah was content in it when we left, so things are looking good. We wanted something that will help soothe him. Right now he seems to want to use Mom as a pacifier for comfort. Even the professionals say that won't work (for Mom or baby). So, we'll give the swing a go. Once Barbara leaves it will be put to good use.

More Notes:
a. 'Lijah loves our pot rack. It must be the contrast of stainless steel and hard anodized aluminum, along with the different shapes. He'll stare at them for about 15 minutes before losing interest.
b. 'Lijah loves light, so we know he can see. He'll stare and stare at a translucent lamp shade. He also seems to like the computer screen.
c. At 2 weeks +1 day old, his eyes have begun to focus on things a lot better. I actually said his name yesterday and he moved his eyes toward where I was standing. He likes to look at the top of my head rather than my face, but can you blame him???? ;-)

We have also been asked where the baby registry went. It was still on the Pre-Birth site, but here is a direct link. Elijah's Baby Registry. We'll also put this link on the main page of the site for easier access. Thank you!!!

2.8.06 (Mommy)

Baby was awake a lot today, which required a lot of energy. Whew. He wears me out when he feeds for only a little and then is hungry 20 minutes later. Gosh, why can't he just feed for a long time and then go for a couple of hours? Sheesh. You'd think he was a baby or something! LOL. I started pumping and got a lot (4oz from one side in 10 mins.). We are waiting a while to introduce him to a bottle though, so he doesn't get confused.
A couple thoughts before going to feed the baby and go to bed.
Our cloth diapers are great (MotherEase)! They keep him so much drier than the disposables. Sure, they are a bit poofy, but they hold so much more stuff. By stuff, I mean poop. We have yet to have a blow-out with these diapers. THey just keep the moisture away from his skin better than disposables. Right now we have a dozen but would love more. They are great!!!
I need to figure out how to eat better. There never seems to be time to feed Mom...
Elijah weighs 8 pounds 10 ounces now. he has gained a pound since we came home. I must be doing something right!
Elijah also lost his bellybutton today! The doctor put silver nitrate on it the other day and now it is off! This means we can really bathe him. What fun!

2.7.06 evening (Daddy)

My son shat on me. I have hopes this is the last time it will happen, but I fear this is the first. Clothed and all, it found its way out.

2.7.06 (Mommy)

Haven't updated in a bit since someone has been attached to me practically 24/7. We went to the doctor today and asked about excessive eating- she said there really is no such thing for an infant. This is what I have felt, but I'm glad to hear a professional say it. I am just going to have to really baby myself while he feeds so much. I nearly passed out twice in the shower yesterday morning and I think it was caused by my exhustion. I'm not used to feeding and watering myself as much as this. Even being pregnant was a bit easier in that respect - he probably didn't eat quite as much while he was in there.
The circumcision has healed nicely, and the doctor put silver nitrate on his belly button to help it dry out more. That really grossed me out since it's all gooey and looks like it hurts. I usually don't get bothered by things like that, but the thought of it hurting my little boy (even though it doesn't) makes me cringe. I suppose it is just a mother reflex.
Last night was a lot better than the night before... 'Lijah woke up twice to feed, and I have finally managed to feed him while lying down, so that helps tremendously. I hadn't been able to do that because my incision still hurt, but the pain has gone down a lot and I have much more flexibility. While I can't really sleep while feeding him, being able to lie down while doing it makes it a lot less stressful.
Other good news: I qualify for an extra two weeks of maternity leave because of the c-section. Yay!!! More time with my boy and my main squeeze.
I have lost 23 pounds so far and I fit into more and more of my old clothes. Haven't tried jeans yet, but in a few weeks I will. 14 more pounds to go till I am back to where I started. I just keep telling myself - the more he eats, the more I lose.
Next challenge to tackle: how to give 'Lijah the time he needs and Andy the time he wants... I'm being split in two! They are both so loved, it's just a matter of them knowing and feeling it I think.

2.7.06 (Daddy)

My Dad sent me some notes yesterday. Notes on parenting and easing up on myself. They were much needed. Here is an excerpt:
--
It bothers you something fierce that you do not have the same pull for him (Elijah) as Becca. EASE up on the self beatings! In this state of Elijah's life, Dad is there for the support of MOM. We (dad's) just stay in the side light to help the ways we can.
--
I've known that what I want to do is help my sweetie, but had kinda thought that my helping meant doing as much of everything as possible. This has been frustrating since Elijah was born (and probably will be for a while still). I've been trying to help with too much - things I simply cannot really help with. A little reminder that I can't do everything (even though I try). Thanks Dad.

Baby Pics:
Elijah looks like both of us. Check out the image below. This is an image of me between 6 and 7 days old. There is some resemblance to our little Elijah.

A few notes:
a. babies do not like being naked (or at least ours doesn't)
b. give the little one your pinkie with nail down when they want to suck
c. don't use Target brand disposable diapers (they leak like an old man). Huggies Newborn seem to be the best
d. if you swaddle, watch the weight of the blanket when used with footie pajamas or your little one may sweat
e. if you recently had a C-section, don't pick up an 18lb cat
f. Percocet in breast milk works wonders for sleepy little ones. Get some when in Mexico.

2.6.06 (Daddy)

Well, last night was the worst night yet. Thank goodness Barbara is here (Becca's step-mom). She will be a godsend until she leaves Saturday (then we'll tie her up so she's stuck here). Last night Elijah wouldn't sleep for any longer than 2 hours at a time. He was fed from 9:30 till about 10:40 last night. He was then up like clockwork at 1, at 3, at 5, at 7, and at 9. Of course, he didn't eat for just 1 minute each time, so Becca and I feel like sleep just didn't really happen. Don't know what it was. Was he cold? Was he gassy? It seems he's nursing for comfort occasionally as well. This morning he ate for about 15 minutes before being content and releasing. He was then snorting again (the sign that he's hungry) about 20 minutes later. Barbara picked him up and he's about 90% okay. Offer a finger and he's 95% okay.
Of course, I'm only so much help at times like this - so I made pancakes. I have another tech help appt. today. Don't know how good I'll be with as little sleep as Elijah gave me.

2.4.06 (Mommy)

Moo.
I am the incredible cow-woman. I exist only to feed the baby, feed the baby, feed the baby.
It's starting to wear on me.
Don't get me wrong, I love, love, love this baby, but it's hard to handle seemingly existing for one purpose only. I have to keep reminding myself, during those many and lengthy late night feedings, that this too shall pass and that I will look back on all of this with fond memories. But sometimes it's a bit too real and in my face.
When Andy looked at me (crying baby on his lap) the other night and sadly whispered "I wish I could feed him." I cried. So did he. There we were, two grown-ups, crying with our son. God, I wish men could breastfeed too! Sure would lighten the load and would probably make Andy feel better too. I see him struggling with Elijah and my heart goes out to him. It's hard for a mother to hear her child's father talk about his trouble bonding with said child. I won't lie, it hurts. But I know Andy's heart, and I see how hard he is trying. I know he will fall in love with Elijah. It's just a matter of time. It just isn't in Andy to not be able to love.
We are going back and forth taking turns being frustrated and trying to find a parenting style that we can both live with. Andy tries to rationalize the crying, and I just go to the baby when he cries. I truly believe that this is what I need to do for him right now. He is so little, there is plenty of time to teach him to "self-soothe", right now I want to just let him be a baby- 'cause that's what he is. It's hard to know what the right thing is to do for our child, but I have to follow my heart and go to him when he cries at this point. I'm trying not to be frustrated, but it is hard sometimes... when you love someone this much, it's hard to look at everything through a clear lens and know exactly what needs to be done.
If anyone knows a way to make men lactate, let us know...

2.4.06 (Daddy)

Last night wasn't the absolute greatest. According to the books 'lijah is "cluster feeding". This means that he'll be eating regularly - like every hour. Last night he ate at 3:30, 4:30, 5:30 and 6:30. He finally decided to sleep again when his last feeding ended around 7:30. In the hospital the nurses said to feed him for 10 minutes on each side. If we did that he'd do nothing but cry and fuss. So, he's getting between 20 and 30 minutes on each. He better be going through a spurt because I'd sure like to eat like that (not the same stuff mind you).
I've received some much needed help from others reading the site. To summarize most of it, a good friend Cheri put it this way: "Your ducks aren't in a row any more." Yep, someone shot a duck, skinned it, cooked the bugger and never told me or gave me any. Elijah is the new duck and hasn't yet fit into the row - and he may never. My Papa said "Babies are selfish". Hearing that actually helped. Knowing that my little 'lijah is not the only selfish boy on this earth is reassuring.

A couple misc. notes:
- Elijah nearly peed in his own eye this morning. He got his head, so all was safe.
- He appears to be calmed by Fiona Apple. If you know who Fiona Apple is, you know how ironic this seems.

Back to selfishness. Sharing Rebecca is proving to be more difficult than I thought. We've been talking about when we can devote time to one another. We were able to watch an episode of Smallville, cuddled up together on the couch last night. That was wonderful. I guess this might be one of those "little things in life" that I have to learn to appreciate whenever I get them.

Sidenote. As I was writing this, the snorting began. We've been noticing 'lijah's little behaviors emerge. He begins to snort whenever he gets hungry. This time he started snorting after 15 minutes of not eating. Yep, ONLY 15 MINUTES!! Rebecca says she feels "like a cow" and I can almost understand why. No, it isn't heathy for her to say that about herself, but I can't really sympathize so. . . mouth shuts.

As our schedules have been flushed, I decided last night to schedule something in order to feel some sort of normalcy. I bought my plane tickets and rental car for my February trip to Portland (23-28). As you can all assume, I'm not sure how I will feel being away from Rebecca AND Elijah for the first extended period of time. I know that my last trip to Portland was hard because she was due any day. He's hard enough for 2 people to handle right now.

2.2.06 (Daddy)

Today was Elijah's first birthday. No, not first year, but first week. He's 7 days old today. He didn't get any cake or anything sweet, just breast milk. I can't say that is much of a present, but who knows. He did get placed in his first cloth diaper. I suppose that could be a present. The absorbency is just awesome! Ya, I must say that they seem to absorb much better than disposables. The cloth diapers are a little big on him, and with the outer diaper cover on he looks like a ham, but it is all good if his "shtuff" doesn't soak through to his clothes.

On a personal note, I've been struggling with my little boy. I see Rebecca with him and how she looks at him and I feel a bit scummy. I haven't yet felt connected to him. I've been unable to figure out exactly what it is. We went to our therapist today to just talk about things and she says that it is fairly normal for a male to take longer to bond with a child than it does for a woman. I still can't help feel out-of-my element and like I'm never going to feel connected to and in love with my son. It freaks me out because I want to feel connected to him. I'm just unsure how. Even writing this stuff is difficult. Knowing how to handle his crying is hard on me. Knowing exactly what to do with him to bond with him is hard for me. Holding him is hard for me. I tend to think so rationally and my rational mind just doesn't tell me what rational thing I should do to make everything okay. There doesn't seem to be anything rational about what Elijah wants or needs (Why does my lifting him in the air always get him to stop crying regardless of him being hungry or not? Why can we give him everything he wants and he'll still scream his bloody head off?) He is better than most babies I've ever read about or spent time with but it is still hard to learn to deal with. I'm so used to dealing with adults, and I do it well. I've been told throughout my life that I'm good with kids as well, but those kids always went home with someone else. I never had to be "on" all the time. What am I trying to say here? Nothing. Just trying to get thoughts out and hoping that some of the fathers reading this may help direct me somehow. Some older ways of dealing with babies say to let them cry or they will begin to manipulate you. Others say you must run to them every time they wimper. I don't know what the best thing is and I don't yet understand what works for 'lijah and what doesn't. He is only 7 days old. He is barely in this world. I must give both of us some time. I hear those words in my head and still feel clueless.

I wish I could feed him too.
Is this parentood?

2.1.06 (Mommy)

Getting really tired... little boy ate all evening. Non-stop almost. I am exhusted and it's only day 6.
Lots of diaper blowouts. Sigh.
But then he looks up at me with those big blue eyes and it's all okay again.